Monday, May 03, 2004

Winding Down...

I feel like I'm pregnant.

Don't worry, there is no possible chance this is true (although I still haven't ruled out the whole "Rosemary's Baby" thing...) but I am having so many unexplainable moodswings lately I might as well be.

We are now in the month of May and I am leaving June 5, so that means I have about 32 days left in France. As much as it surprises me to say this, I CANNOT WAIT to go home. And this is shaping up to be the longest month of my life.

One reason for its length is the fact that I have nothing to do this month. Many would see this as a wonderful opportunity, but unfortunately I work best with structure, plus I have no money to travel, so that puts a bit of a damper on things.

The stress of boredom and homesickness has been building up for awhile, and finally something in me has snapped. Last week I almost opened the window and shouted a collective "F*** YOU!" to anyone who was listening. Fortunately I was able to call someone and spill my guts before that happened, but even so.

I'm tired of being away from close family and friends, I'm tired of speaking French, I'm tired of wondering how to plan out a conversation with the phone company or other random businesses to cancel service, I'm tired of people thinking I'm stupid as soon as they hear my accent, I'm tired of being asked about George Bush and the war and America (cause you know it's all my fault), I'm tired of defending my country, and I am just ready to COME HOME.

This year has taught me many things, but among them, no matter how much I love France, I am still an American. I don't think it's possible to pull out those root strings connected to my country, because they are part of who I am.

The big twist of irony in this whole mess, however, is that along with all the homesickness comes a huge sadness over leaving my friends and "family" in France. Last night I talked to my dear friends in Nantes who have really become my family this year, and when I hung up the phone I wanted to burst into tears.

So as much as I want to go home to the States "where I belong", there is a big part of me now that is also French. And I have a feeling I will be spending plenty of time when I go back feeling homesick for France and wishing I had a French company to speak on the phone with and defending them from stupid Americans who decided to hate France for petty reasons.

So I think either way I'm screwed. What a cheery blog this is!

In an attempt to remedy the month of May "blahs", Meg and I decided to write out a list of things to do this last month. The one I'm most excited about is the "ABCs of Strasbourg." We're going to take pictures of all the sights here in an attempt to make the alphabet.

We also decided to plan at least one activity a day. Today, for example, we are going to the grocery store (I didn't say these were exciting activities).

Well, I suppose this ends my post for now. I'm sure my mind will change about a million more times, and I'm also mature enough to know that "this too shall pass" and that I need to take advantage of the opportunities I have while I'm here, make the most of it, etc. So I'm trying. I am.

So. It's grocery store time!


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